Roundtable Q&A with Dana

Today I sit down with two of my friends as they ask me questions about fostering and adopting and specifically about our story.  It was awesome!

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, hey, hey, y'all. Welcome to the Graceful Truth Unscripted Podcast. I'm your host, Dana. We're here to speak truth in the most graceful way possible about our personal experiences that we've had throughout the foster care and adoption system. We're also gonna cover some things we've encountered along the way. We don't sugarcoat anything. These are all real people telling their stories. I've always wanted a place for aunts, uncles, grandparents, current and former caseworkers, doctors, therapists, and really anybody such as yourself who knows anything or has had any interaction with a foster or adoptive parent or child. This is a safe place. This is a place we're going to share our stories without feeling judgment, without being misunderstood, or really being turned into an agency for simply sharing our experiences. We're also gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, we're going to come together as one to figure out the best way to effectively change the legislation and the laws, and also ways to help our children. We're also gonna be there for those parents that are struggling with how to cope with the many different situations that we have to deal with on a day-in- and day-out basis. We're also going to cover some mental health, medical health, special needs, and of course the joys of being a parent. Our goal is to be the voice for those who can't speak. We're here to share our stories, we're here to share our realities. It's time to come together and be that voice for these children. So please join us as we embark on this journey. Alright, guys, welcome to this episode of the Graceful Truth Unscripted podcast. Today I am here with some friends, some fellow foster and adoptive mamas that hopped on and they're just we're just gonna have a QA session. They're gonna ask me questions. I'm hopefully going to be able to answer all of them. Um, but I am going to hand it over uh to Sally and Sarah. They are the two that are here with me right now. And if anybody hops on, we'll add them into the QA session as well. So take it away, guys. Ask me what you want. Was your adoption closed or open? Okay, so my adoption was, I believe it's considered a closed adoption. However, the parents, the mother, the birth mom, does know who we are. We adopted through the foster care system, and they're closed, like nobody can get into the records, anything like that, see the history. Um, but the birth mom does know where we live because our court system decided to accidentally let our address slip in one of the court records that was sent uh to her. So it is a closed adoption, however, she does have information on us specifically.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

So what's being oh sorry, go on, you guys say I have a question that goes along with that, so I thought I would try to get it in there. Do you have any contact with any of your birth parents?

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Do not we do not so BioMom is a drug addict. Um currently we do know where she lives, um, and they do have two older siblings, however, we do not have contact with the older siblings, and from what we've heard through the grapevine, essentially, what we've heard from the family of the oldest uh daughter, anytime they had run into each other out in public, she basically just ignored them. The bio mom ignored the daughter. So um we do have our contact information with the person who has the oldest child, and I do also have the name of the second oldest that was adopted through private adoption. We have the names of that family because they actually tried to adopt Tasha. Um, so no, we don't have the contact with them, but we do have a way to contact their siblings. I don't foresee us ever having contact with the mother because she's been given many opportunities and just can't latch on.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

What's your biggest fear of the biological mother knowing where you are?

SPEAKER_00 4:44

That she's going to come to my house one day and try to take my kids. I mean, that's the biggest fear, but I have more of a fear of named paternal father, um, because he has a major history of violence, and actually that's where a lot of PTSD um comes from with lighters and uh guns. So we uh that that's my biggest fear is the father, more so the named father. I mean, he never took a paternity test that it wasn't his, obviously. Um as for the mother, I don't I don't fear as much now as I did back then her coming to get the kids, but I always had a fear that she would go to school and try to take them because she did once try to call around to the doctor's offices and get our social security numbers of our children. Um so that's I think I have more of a fear of the father, not the mom. As you will oh, sorry, go on, you guys, Sarah.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

I have another piggyback question. How do you handle that fear? Because for me, we have a slightly open adoption where once in a while the birth mother calls, and I still every time one of our birth mothers, every time she calls, it's like my heart clenches, and I feel that fear again. So, how do you is there anything that you've done that has helped that?

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Not really. Um, I think me, it's more based on faith, and we have been open with our children to an extent. Like we do not badmouth her or their family at all. We say that she's sick, which she is. I mean, being a drug addict is an illness, it's an addiction. Um, and we tell them we're open with them that she's been in jail, and our plan is to continue to be that way, to you know, tell them the answers to their questions. They know that they are adopted, they know about their birth mom. Um, they don't know her name. We've never told her the name, they've never really asked her name, but it's more of a we have a plan to allow them to read through all of their court documents just so they know what they're getting into. Now I've spoken with families, obviously, they're just gonna want to meet her, they're not gonna care about what anything says, but that's kind of our we've done everything that we can do. All I can do is hand it over, you know, to God and let him hopefully protect our children. But again, I there's not much I can do to stop that. Um so yeah, I mean that's I don't handle it very well. Most of the time when they talk about their birth mom, it it cuts deep, um very much so with me. And so I don't think I handle it well, but I think I'm getting better at handling it because I can see the path she's going and then the path that we're leading, and you know what I mean? We're we're trying the best that we can.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

So did you ever try to change your children's social security numbers?

SPEAKER_00 8:16

Yes, we did as soon as we adopted them, and we even had uh proof that she used social security number um to first of all claim him on his taxes and pull various different kinds of cards and stuff like that, but they refused to change it because there wasn't enough proof that it harmed him. So he she still has his social security number and it I mean it's the same, it's not changed, they wouldn't allow us to change it. Luckily, with our daughter, we have been able to not. I mean, she can't, she doesn't know the number. She was calling doctor's offices for it, so um thankfully we don't have to deal with it so much with her, but him is it's gonna be very interesting.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Yeah. What's been your biggest struggles for your family having adopted and biological children?

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Um I think the biggest struggle is finding them help. Is finding the help that both we need as parents and our children need going through this. There's no specialists that that specialize in both adopted and drug addicted children. And of course, foster. I mean, they were fostered for two and a half-ish years. Um so I think that's our biggest struggle, is that and we got I don't want to say lucky, we were blessed to have our biological child after we adopted them. Um, so she kind of grew up. She knows that they're adopted, they know that they're not real blood, you know, they're not blood related, but that hasn't really changed how they interact with each other as brother and sisters. And she understands when they're like we've never had to explain to her what happens when they go into a meltdown or they have a rage or they accidentally hurt her because they don't know what they're doing, you know, with their bodies, or we've never had to explain that to her. So we were really blessed in that sense of it. Um, so I think that's the biggest struggle. I think probably her biggest struggle is connecting with them on a specific level because there's tension between that, you know, like she's your she gave birth to you versus she didn't give birth to us, and our first mom is what they call her, you know, is sick, and it's just uh it's a very odd way. But they I mean just like us, they they act like brother and sister all the time and say this is my sister, they don't introduce any other way, but that's good.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

And piggybacking onto the back of that, um how what do you think about post-adoption services for families, both nationally and in the state of Florida, and more applicable to the area of which you live?

SPEAKER_00 11:44

I think they suck. Why? Just gonna throw that out there. So nationally, I can't tell you, uh I don't have any experience with any other than locally and Florida. I mean, pretty much in any most counties, I can't say any county, because there are some counties that have it real good. But I have many a times spoken with our post-adoptive services people, and I put that in quotations because I don't like calling them that. You know, they say they're there for you anytime. You know, just because the adoption happened doesn't mean it's over. I've never ever been contacted by them in the last we adopted in 2013. It is now 2020, have been contacted by them one time and it was for a fundraiser. Um, I also had called in with no return phone call and sent an email for help, and they all but told me they can't help me go somewhere else. They don't care. They're like, they're not doing it. And then on the other end of that, not only do I have a nonprofit organization that I founded, there's was another nonprofit organization that really was targeted by our local because they were providing post-adoptive services and counseling and help. Like you call them up and you needed something, they got right on it. If they didn't know the answer, they'd research it. And they just attacked them saying, We offer this, we offer this, we offer this. And then when I came out with my nonprofit, I'm like, okay, show me where it is. Numerous calls going unanswered, numerous. I mean, you talk to any parent in my county, they will all tell you the same thing. There are no post-adoptive services, no matter how much they harp that there are that are provided by our government. Now we have nonprofits out there now that provide various different services.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

And what what are the biggest amount what's the services that they actually provide?

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Um, our so our nonprofit, we provide supplies mainly to foster um children, but um we also do um a college type of funding um based on what the we cover what the scholarship doesn't, so meal plans and various other things. And we also will, you know, do like repairs, basically anything that they're going to need, because you know, a foster child or their adopted child got angry and punched a hole in the wall. We will help them get that covered if they have camps that they want to attend and they can't, you know, afford a registration fee or something like that. We we do it on a case-by-case basis, and we cover foster and adoptive families. The other nonprofit that I uh am speaking about, they mainly did, and I don't know what they do now because the founder actually ended up moving out of state, um, but they did counseling and uh home studies and would help with like finding the right doctor for whatever or therapist for whatever it was you were needing at that time, so they were more referral-based, but also would provide supplies if that makes sense, like if you needed a bed or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

So let so let me ask you, and I'm sorry if you mentioned this in the beginning, was your adoption through the state or private? It was through the state. And what what services, so just so that other people out there that might be listening to this podcast, what things were offered to you as an adopted family, prospective family, with regards to what was provided to you as an adopted family post-adoption?

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Nothing is provided to the family other than funds from the state. Um, the children get free Medicaid till they're 18, they get a uh college degree as long as they're accepted to a Florida college. Um, and they get the step up scholarship, which helps with schooling. And if they were under the WIC age, we would have we would be approved for WIC, which we did use for our daughter. Um, but that's any foster or adoptive child. But above that, there I mean the kids get stuff, but it's all state-run stuff. It's not a person that you can pick up the phone call and say, Hey, this is what I need, I need your help.

unknown 16:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

Do you have any questions?

SPEAKER_01 17:01

I do have some questions. So I mean that like it was kind of something. Um, so this is backing way up to the very beginning, and it's a question that people ask me a lot. So, as I was thinking through questions, what made you decide to foster? Especially I'm interested in the foster versus traditional adoption.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Okay, so I kind of explained this how we went. We initially the first episode um explains a lot of our journey to foster care to adoption. But I can give a quick rundown. We my father is adopted, and it's always been something that's been on my heart and my husband's heart as well. So when we first were married got married and we were talking about children, we uh you know agreed that we would adopt, but we would have two children of our own first. Um, that did not work out, so we went ahead with an adoption home through the state because we could not afford to pay to adopt, and we always stated we wanted to adopt within the United States, um, and then that ended up turning into foster care because of the child, because of our son. Um, and that's how we kind of got into the foster care world, but we weren't a licensed foster home, we were considered a non-relative placement. Oh so that's still the same thing. You're fostering kids. I mean you just don't get the you just don't get the dough.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Okay, I have more questions. Should I keep asking? Keep going. Okay. Um, have you ever done any emotional release type bonding work with your adoptive children? And I don't even know exactly what the right word for that is.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Emotional, so like the only thing that we have done is um my son has gone to a therapist where it's called EMDR. Yeah. Where I was in the room and he was holding the um vibrating, I don't even know what they're called, but the pulsators in his hands, I don't know what they're called, where I was talking about what he's gone through, and that was processing it, and then the therapist would say something positive to try and place it. If you look up EMDR, I know you know what it is, but people listening, if you look it up, it's it's how I've actually gotten a lot of therapy as well. But that's the only thing we've done. Um, we have some protocols, but I am petrified to do it on them simply because I know what it does to me. So I'm petrified to do it to my children.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Okay, so I have another question that kind of goes along with that. You talked about well, I'm not sure if you did. Were your children, do you have children that were born addicted?

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Yes, both of our children were born addicted to drugs. So have you done any ongoing detox work with them? As like in specifically what like is there I mean, they Manny did not have any detox symptoms when he came to us, he was fully detoxed. Um, we still focus on his liver um and his immune system. Those are the two things we focus on hardcore, as well as my daughter. So um, however, when she was born, she we had withdrawals up until she the new year of her year of birth. So she was born in November, so for a little over a month, she had withdrawals every night. And at that time, we had no, like you know, the doctor told us just she has to go through it. You can't there's nothing you can do. Now, on the tail end of that, we've been doing the same thing as we did with our son as well.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

So did you attend math classes?

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Yes, when we we attended math classes when we were becoming a licensed uh adoptive home.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

What are and did you do the sorry oh what what are math classes?

SPEAKER_00 21:47

So a map class is the class that you have to go to to be basically approved to be a foster and or adoptive parent. Um, it's just a class, and I discussed a little bit about that too on the first episode. Episode where you go through and they kind of bring you through scenarios as to what you can expect. And I mean, like ours kind of made us walk through in the kids' shoes. I just don't think that it helps personally because they only do like the tip of the iceberg. There's like way more than you know, they focus a lot on the sexual abuse part, which a lot of these kids come with, and thankfully ours did not. And then they focused on like physical abuse. Um, and that was more of what could happen, and all you know, to me it wasn't worth the time because I didn't feel again until you're in it, you're not I don't it's hard to explain. It's like a class, this is what you can look out for, and then you get kids that don't give you anything that you learned in class.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

I actually found the classes very helpful. I was on the other end. I we actually unknowingly heard about one of our children in the MAC classes on bottom during fostering, and it turned out to be one of the kids that we subsequently.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

So, I mean, I think that those classes would be very beneficial if they knew the children you were getting, or if they went into more of the scenarios rather than just this is what you could experience, rather than so this child was adopted, we started exhibiting these symptoms, this is what happened, you know. Like take case studies of other children and what happened, you know. I just it did not prepare us for the children we have.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Yeah, no, I get I get that. We just it just was a random float, it turned out to be that for us during with one of the kids. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I don't that's not the normal.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Well, it's still it's still required now in Florida, but I don't they don't call it mapping, they more they call it something else.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

I don't think we had any classes, anything like that. And what state are you in? Pennsylvania.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Pennsylvania.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

I'm in Pennsylvania.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

I mean it's it worked for Sally, it didn't work for me. So I think it's also depending on the situation of the children you get to. I really I honestly do. I think that's kind of where it boils down to. Yeah. Alright, guys, if you've known me for a hot minute, you know that five years ago I made the switch to a toxin and chemical-free home. And the company that I chose, based on all my research, was Young Living. And guys, yes, I've actually been to the farm, touched the plants, planted plants, and even saw the way that they just care about not just our plants, but the members. Us, the everyday people that purchase their products day in and day out, and use their products day in and day out. So with this offer, you go to myyl.com backslash D N J Floyd, and that's F-L-O-Y-D. This will all be in the show notes. And when you purchase your premium starter kit through that link, you will be sent a Steve Household cleaner, which will last you about six months. It'll last my family five to six months, but we use it on everything: floors, windows, steam mops, cars. We legit just use it on everything. So again, that website is myyl.com backslash bnj floyd, and that is also in the show notes. So hop on over, pick your premium starter kit, and get yourself a free bottle of cleaner. Alright, let's get back to the show.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

Did you read a lot? Were you given suggestions of books and things to read or literature?

SPEAKER_00 27:00

No, not until we got some suggestions from other foster and adoptive families. Um, that's kind of where books came into play. And I I'm not I'm a book person on certain things, but on children and trauma and all of this, I'd rather talk to other parents that have been through it or even similar have gone through it. I don't think there's a book out there that's gonna help me change my child or help my child. I just I that's how so. I mean, there are no books recommended by anybody in the adoptive or foster world.

SPEAKER_01 27:45

I have another question.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

How do you handle um hidden special needs, like comments from people that wow, your kids are doing really great, and look how great they look when you know the story behind what's really going on?

SPEAKER_00 28:01

So I have a lot of experience with this, and even within our own family, um it's not that our sets of parents didn't believe that our children had special needs, but for a very long time they would only show their frustration or their anger or their meltdown or whatever it was at home and in the space of us. It was even probably three months or four months when our son started acting out before he even showed his father. So it was very hard to try and explain what was going on. Not again, not that they didn't believe us, but it was just he is so night and day, and he plays baseball, and I I still coaches and um parents still come up to us and say, he is so well behaved, I would never have known that you guys face this, or that that morning he had this massive meltdown. Because I'd always go to the coaches, be like, Listen, I don't know what kind of mood he's gonna be in when he's when he's playing today, but just be aware that we had a problem this morning, and I'd warn the teachers, then of course he'd be fine, and once he gets comfortable, he still hasn't with the coaches yet. I think he has only really talked back, but they know how to handle that with. I mean, that's any child really. Um, but we've actually had a lot of people comment the you would never know what you're going through. I've never had somebody tell me you're lying. Like, there's no way. I there are some family members that think that what we're doing is absolutely wrong. Love them from afar. I don't, I don't bring them near my child. Um, and I mean it's been my parents were the first one to really see the outburst, and I think my mom took it on because we're very similar. Like we don't look identical. I look more like my father, but we still have very similar qualities, and I think that that's why he acted out in front of her first rather than my husband's side of the family. It took a very long time for my husband's side of the family to see it, and it had to happen with me there, like it was between him and I. So it's they're very they hide stuff very well, but they also behave very well for other people because it's not that they're not safe with them, but home is where they're safe, home is where they can let it out, home is where they know that they can do whatever they need to do to release their emotion, and that's what we've trained them. I still have not had somebody come up to me and say, you know, you're lying, because I I share, I mean, you two know me. Um, I've shared a lot of our journey to an extent, but I mean, I'm I'm very open with what we go through, and it's not to say that my children are horrible because they're not, you know, they're dealing with trauma. And it's just that it's an eye-opener of what goes on with other families because I'm sure I I mean I know at least one of you, a lot of your stories, um, but I know you both deal with it. I know that it's not a one-family thing, and that's I think where a lot of these families get hurt is they don't have a safe place to share their stories and share what they go through and share the feelings, and these other people don't even know, you know, what goes on because I've even had friends that have turned into caseworkers because they've heard our story and they want to help as much as they can with other children, you know. Um, so I've never had the I've had judgment for the way that we treat them, like how we handle situations and stuff, but I've never been outright told because maybe I have that look of don't mess with me, I'm going to tell you off if you say something. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't had that encounter yet, and I hope I don't have that encounter. I've I but I've had the comments of they don't they don't look like they would do that, or they don't act like they would do that because they're so well behaved, they're so well mannered, they're so well whatever it is. Um so that kind of makes me feel better that we've done our parenting right, at least when they're with others, they're respectful, they listen, they behave, you know. But most everybody's prepared for what could happen too.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

So what's your biggest worry or fear of for your children as they become adults?

SPEAKER_00 33:32

I have a lot of fears. My top fear is that they'll become drug addicts. Um that is my biggest fear because that is something that they were born with, that's something they're going to have to live with for the rest of their life. I have a fear more for so of my son. Um, anytime there's a story of a school shooting, um, which obviously I have a lot to say about that, but that's another topic. But anytime I see that, or somebody try to self-harm themselves, or a child who runs away from their home, or I think of my son immediately because he is a fight and flight. Um, he had he's nine, so he hasn't run away from us currently. But I feel as he gets older and wiser, he will know that that's an option and take that. But those for him, I have a lot more fear because of the trauma he's seen, the history he has had. Um so I'm trying to steer him to where he stays, you know, straight, and that he he won't treat his um diagnosis the way that we treat them now. Um, I I know a lot of children don't like the way parents treat their selves, you know, their them, you know, this is what we're gonna do. So we try and make it not fun, but we try and make it to where they make a decision. They have these options. Here's your decision, pick one. This is the shiny pretty one. Um, but those are my two main fears. For my daughter, I fear that she will fall down the path of her mom. She has a lot of characteristics of her mother, and that scares me, but she has no idea that her mom does this, if that makes sense. I I know there's not a chemical makeup for prostitution and drug addiction, but I just feel like that's that's my fear for her.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

Well, addictive behaviors are a a a genetic trait. Right, addictive behaviors, yeah. Yeah, so yeah, it's a legitimate fear.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

What changes do you think are gonna make her what changes do you think, or what are you aiming to do that will benefit not just your children, but other families?

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Well, the reason I put out this podcast was to reach other families and to have a safe place for people to come and talk and release their emotions and re and talk about what they go through without fear of being judged. That way other families can hear, okay, this is what they went through, this is what they did, because there's I just reported recorded a podcast which is coming out that I talk about the time where we were turned into the Department of Children and Families because I went and asked for other people's help and ideas on how to handle a specific situation because everything we tried, everything the doctors told us, everything the therapists told us didn't work, it just did not work. So I was putting it out there to see, you know, what can you give me? What can I try? What else can I try? And that's kind of where I want this pod what they want this podcast to be. Raise awareness of the problem, get more services for our children, um, get more doctors who are more knowledgeable and can study not just their brain, but what happens to a chemically altered brain from drugs, alcohol, um, who children who have also dealt with trauma and the loss of their parents, whether it was a good loss, you know, whether it was a slow or if they were ripped away from their family, like my son in a drug raid, basically. Um, you know, people that are specialized in that to help others become specialized in that. So when we're going into a doctor's office, it's not, oh, here she comes again with all of these excuses when her child's fine. When my child's not fine, this is what I live with on a daily basis. Um and with the nonprofit, we just we're trying to make it as easy as possible for the families that are going through this to help their children, not to worry about, oh, I just got a hole in the wall, now I gotta go pay somebody this much money just to get it fixed because he had a meltdown and he punched the wall. Or, you know, I really need to get him into this therapy, or he'd really be good at this um extracurricular activity. It's a good outlet for him, but I can't afford it. You know, that that's kind of where that's my hope is to help other families who are fostering and adopting and needing answers because I'm not I can't be the I know I'm not the only one, but I can't be the only one that needs something like that. That's great. Well, we appreciate you. I appreciate you guys. Any other questions?

SPEAKER_01 39:11

I'm wondering what you tell people when they come to you saying oh, I think I want to foster too.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

So I I don't I'm a person that doesn't sugarcoat anything, and I want them to know that it's not as easy as a lot of people make it out to be, and there's a lot of families out there that literally only share all the good, which is great. Like more, I mean, that's beautiful because these kids, I mean, it's not their kids' fault. So I tell them, first of all, you need thank you for stepping up, but you need to understand the possibility of what you're getting into. It's not just a healthy baby girl or baby boy bouncing out of the hospital happy like you just gave birth to them. There, I mean, we have a child that we've gotten directly from the hospital, as well as one that uh you know lived with BioMom for 18 months, and they both have a lot of the same exact trauma and attachment issues because it doesn't matter, their body the body knows that that attachment isn't there, and I think a lot of people don't see that aspect, or I know when I got into even adoption, I was just again like everybody else, thinking, Oh, I'll get a baby, it'll be fine, you know, no problems coming with it. You don't know a lot of people have that blinder on, they just see a kid out there, but I also don't want to scare them off. I'm like, you gotta know that this is a commitment, and this is a commitment for a lifetime because it's not just gonna stop at 18, it's gonna continue. You've got to be prepared for the emotional trauma you're gonna go through because you're gonna go through it no matter. I mean, some people have it way extreme, some people not as much, just dependent on you know, the child you get matched with. And it's not to say that if I had the money and I had the time, I would foster many children. Like that that would be what I would do just because I know that there's children out there and I know that we need families because there is a massive shortage, not just in our county, but in our state and in our country. But you can't have people come into this thinking, oh, it's gonna be easy peasy, let me do this, and then they push them right back into the state. Once they find out that it's not, I'd rather have a family that can stick through it and and take them the whole time rather than okay, I'll take them. Oh, this isn't what we thought. I want to send them back because that just creates more trauma for the child.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

Absolutely. Amen. I have one that it's kind of an odd question. Um, as I and you talked some about maintaining the positive narrative for our children and not speaking badly about birth parents. I love reading books to my children. So many of the adoption books, though, are from sort of like a traditional adoption aspect. So, do you have any books to recommend um that talk about it more from a foster care end of things?

SPEAKER_00 42:46

I don't um I we rec we get recommended books based off what they may be going through. Like, so one time, and I'd have to find the names of these books, but one time my son had problems falling asleep because he was scared. So our therapist found a book about getting ready for bedtime and you know, all those various different things, and we were able to purchase that book. I there's I don't know of a book that speaks specifically of fostering an adoption, it's just part of our everyday discussion, it's not a secret around, and I never wanted it to be. And they know that Papa's adopted, and you know, we know various now we have a lot of friends that have adopted children as well on top of it. So it we just make it a normal thing. Um, now if there's any listeners out there that know great children's book, what are your ages? You said they're all under 10. Well, I have 14 to 5. 14 to 5, okay. So, I mean, if anybody has suggestions of children's book, that'd be great. Um, that aren't a traditional adoption. Because when you adopt through foster care, it's not traditional, in my opinion. Um but I think just making it more of a everyday topic, everyday discussion, normalizing it, because it's a normal thing. I mean, it it's all around us. That's kind of where we we don't pick specific books based on what the story is about unless we're trying to target something to get a message through a different way than what we're saying it.

SPEAKER_01 44:34

Okay, I have one more question that I just thought of. Um, your adopted children are biracial, right? Yes, they are. So that is a huge conversation right now, right? Be a white mama raising biracial children.

SPEAKER_00 44:48

Not right now, it's it's been a huge conversation. So we've had many when we first set out to adopt, we had put that we would prefer somebody that had the same skin tone as myself and my husband just because we knew we were going to be dealing with a boatload of other issues. We didn't want to add that on. God laughed and said, No, you're gonna learn this and you're gonna learn it good. So I'm gonna give you a biracial child. We we do have two. Um, both of them, we're not quite sure the specific nationality because we don't truly know who the father is on either of them. But my son is darker skinned, um, and he, I mean, he knows it. He points out pictures everywhere. Oh, they got skin color just like me, and it's a normal thing here, but we've had to learn how to do hair. And for those of you that don't know me, I don't do hair, I do a ponytail and a regular braid. That's that's as far as as home girl goes here. And they gave me a child with hair, curly as a cucumber, and not a cucumber, but you know, curly as all get out, and I have no idea what to do with it. So blessings to those that have helped me along the way. But we still go out very often and get stared down. We've had waiters and waitresses notice other people staring at us. Like there's one time I was feeding uh my bio daughter when she was born. I was breastfeeding her, and that's what I assumed they were staring at until I stopped and they were still staring, and the waitress had to go over and say something to them. You know, if you don't like it, get out of you know the restaurant. Because there, we were out with friends, so there were 10 of us, and he's the only kid of color. Because my daughter is more of a tan, like a dark tan, um, more Dominican skin, like Brazilian, that type of skin tone, which my husband's Brazilian, so he's dark, you know, tan as well. So nobody stares at us because of her, they all stare us because of my son. And we've had many of that happen. There was one time we were at Walmart waiting in line, and it was when our son was tiny, like when we first got him, and he's trying to talk to her, and she's completely ignoring him. And then I both sets of grandparents now. My parents are redneck, like you know, southern as they get type people walking out with my son, and they've gotten many stairs, and my dad's just like me, he don't keep his mouth shut either. But it's we've gotten stairs, never anybody I would love for people to come ask me questions, and I it's the same way walking into doctor anywhere we walk in new. I talk because they're my children, I don't talk about them. Oh, my adopted son and my adopted. I don't say my son and my daughter, and then you get that weird look like you know, they're asking questions. You don't know this, and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, they're adopted. I can't tell you what happened, you know, when I didn't have them with me. And that's I mean, but yes, we deal with the racial, that's another fear of mine speaking of fears. That's he gets categorized quite a bit. We had a friend who basically said he'd grow up to be a criminal just because of the color of his skin. And it, you know, we we've had people treat would check on my daughter, not my son, how they were feeling when they were both sick at one time, because he has the color of skin prevalent to an African American versus my daughter who looks like she was from a white family, you know. So um we've dealt with it all. Not I can't say with it all. We have not dealt with it with law enforcement, they have been nothing but kind um when we did have interactions with them. But yes, we have dealt with the stairs. We we've come up with some jokes that we like to say every now and then, because that's just how we are. We're we don't care anymore. We're like, yeah, whatever. Any more questions?

SPEAKER_01 49:20

I I went through my list.

SPEAKER_02 49:23

Yeah, I pretty much went through my list too.

SPEAKER_00 49:27

Yeah, so um I appreciate you guys popping on with me, and I do know that we'll be sharing some stories in the future, and I'll be doing this again because it was kind of fun getting questions of people that I mean, both of you are in this world and you still have the same questions because again, every adoption and foster situation is different. Um, so I appreciate you guys joining us. And as you guys listen out there to any podcast, if you have questions, feel free to email us. All that information will be in the episode notes and all sorts of that jazz. And I thank you guys for being with us. Thank you all so much for listening to this episode of the Graceful Truth Unscripted podcast. Here's what I want you to do next. Take a screenshot of that episode you're listening to right now. Head on over to your Instagram or Facebook stories and tag Graceful Truth Unscripted so more people can find our podcast. Also, if you really love us, head on over to iTunes and leave us a review. I will be reading as many reviews as I can on the next episode of the podcast, so be sure to listen for your shout-out. If you haven't already, please click that subscribe button so you don't miss a show. And don't forget, if you have a question for the show, shoot us a message on Instagram or Facebook or email BraceMokruth Unscripted at gmail.com. Alright, y'all. Time to spread the sunshine wherever you go. See ya.